Here’s my tl;dr:

  1. Networking is not friend-making.
  2. Make the meeting time convenient for them.
  3. Don’t make them do homework for you. Take notes during the call.
  4. Don’t argue with them.
  5. The networking interaction is typically a maximum of 2 main communication interactions
  6. Plan for a 25-30min conversation. Be prepared to lead it.

#1 Networking is not friend-making.

The 25-30min call is about logistically figuring out how to move yourself one step forward in the right—or sometimes, any—direction. This is not the time to learn about their personal life, hobbies, pets, etc. It’s confusing and mostly a waste of time for your job hunting.

This is also not the time to lament about job hunting and ask for heartwarming advice. Job hunting truly does suck. But most people’s heartwarming advice is what you can find online. (On this front, my main advice is to remember to hydrate often, eat well, and go on nature walks. And be kind to yourself.)

Here are some examples of what’s on the table to professionally talk about during a networking conversation:

  • Their trajectory from university/job A to job B
  • Their day-to-day life at work, including recommendations about hard/soft skills
  • Their advice about specific aspects of your current work/research and recommendations on how to reframe or transition your skillset

The reason that people, especially undergrads, often think of networking as friend-making is that (1) it’s the most common social framework for meeting new people; and (2) there is common (mis)belief that networking is quid pro quo.

But think about it. You have nothing to offer them in return but your gratitude. (Don’t underestimate how meaningful a “thank you” feels to receive!) The whole reason to ask for help is because you are trying to achieve what they have, whether that be knowledge or something akin to their job. The fact that this process is semi-transactional does not make it any less human.

Perhaps, one day you can support them if they reach out to you for job hunting advice. But that day is very likely not today.

Here’s another way of thinking about it:

Networking is (almost always) asymmetrical, not mutually beneficial as most of us seem to believe/want/hope

This should be relieving to hear! A networking conversation is purely for supporting you—and the part of their more junior self that they see in you and want to support.

Here’s how you can “give back”, tho:

  • Listen carefully during the conversation & take feedback humbly
  • Expressing your gratitude during the conversation & sending a thank you email afterwards1
  • If you are introduced to that person’s connection, don’t be an ass - this happens more often than one would think
    • We all have a certain amount of social capital, and it hurts that person if they connect you with a personal connection and the interaction is bad. It’s ok if you’re awkward. But if you are fine talking with that person and then suddenly have bad social graces with their connections, that’s a big red flag.
  • If you get the job based on that person’s help, do your best in that job - it brings others joy to see that their support came to be something tangible and positive
  • Pay it forward to someone else one day

Misconception #1 is mostly philosophical. The following are more logistical.

#2 Make the meeting time convenient for them.

Be flexible with scheduling around their schedule. If they are meeting with you after their work hours, this is personal time they are giving up that they could be spending with their loved ones. If they are meeting with you during work hours, this is time they could be using to progress their own careers. In this case, time = money.

If you ask to meet in-person, make the location convenient for them. If you’re asking to meet on campus (e.g., for an in-person grad event), be flexible to the time being after hours. Not only is time = money, but also commuting = money. Or please, just make it virtual.

#3 Don’t make them do homework for you. Take notes during the call.

Don’t ask them to remind you of things that they recommended. You can quickly look things up on the call itself (and confirm that the company, job, or tool they are talking about is the correct one) and/or take detailed notes on the side.

#4 Don’t argue with them.

Please, just don’t. Let’s take resume feedback as an example. Even if it’s implied disagreement, the worst thing is this: Expending quite a bit of reviewing & writing feedback on a resume, being asked to review it again later on, and seeing that none or most of your feedback wasn’t taken.

You definitely do not need to agree with or take everyone’s feedback! But if you are requesting feedback a second time, make the effort to integrate their original feedback, so that you can learn new feedback. That is more valuable to you than rehashing old feedback. Keep multiple copies of your resume. Your final version can be a completely different version—a version that takes the best strategies from everyone’s advice that works best for your specific context.

#5 The networking interaction is typically a maximum of 2 main communication interactions.

Don’t expect a networking conversation to turn into dedicated mentorship. This is very rare. People are busy and can usually offer 1 (virtual) coffee chat and (sometimes) 1 round of feedback on your resume. This translates to 1-2 video conversations. If they can do one more resume feedback round (usually via email), expect that to be the final interaction.

Ofc, you can reach out to them again in a couple months or years.

Weekly or monthly feedback on resumes/applications/general job hunting is what formal mentorship of a graduate student in your lab, your lab advisor, manager, or family & friends are for.

#6 Plan for a 25-30min conversation. Be prepared to lead it.

In today’s modern day of calendar events (like Google Calendar), you’ll be able to see how long someone sets the meeting “event” for. Usually this is 30min or sometimes companies default to 25min (because they build in 5min calendar breaks between meetings).

Sometimes the conversation will go for 45-60min, but I recommend planning for 25-30min. What normally happens is that the first 25-30min is for specific advice. If I have time to continue talking with someone, I’ve noticed that next 15-30min are often more about for emotional or philosophic conversation about job hunting. (Again, keep it professional—this is not the time for friend-making.) Plan for the conversation to conclude no later than the 1 hour mark.

If you don’t know how long the conversation will be, ask them. When you hop on the call, you can ask, “How long do you have to talk? I just want to make sure that I best respect your time.”

Some more tips:

  • Prepare a list of questions. Even better, send this list of questions to them in advance, so that they can think on it ahead of time. But don’t be rigid to following your list of questions verbatim. Quick story below:

During grad school, I offered mock networking chats to my undergrad mentees. We went through all the motions. The Undergrad Mentees sent me questions in advance. They asked me about my background (even if they already knew it), practiced their elevator pitch about their background and asked me their questions. Then we discussed went felt awkward afterwards.

The most common source of awkwardness was accidentally asking redundant questions, either because (1) they were following their prepared list of questions verbatim; and/or (2) they weren’t listening carefully enough to my responses to predict that their follow-up question would be redundant. tl;dr: develop active listening skills and learn how to be agile in conversations. (This is also great practice answering questions mid-talk and for Q&A after talks.)

There are many other reasons for conversations to be awkward. Sometimes, it’s not you, it’s them. But awkwardness is a signal to listen to because it’s practice for interviewing when the stakes are a lot higher.

  • Start by briefly explaining your background & goals. People often forget this when they are nervous and jump in asking a bunch of questions. I can better tailor my answers if I know your background and goals.
  • Be prepared to bring energy to the conversation. People will naturally match your energy in conversations. Use that. Don’t wait for someone else to take the lead in the conversation.
  • Make the conversation actionable by asking direct questions about what you should be doing & learning and who you should be talking to next.

I also highly, highly recommend this article about industry norms for networking.

AI was not used to write, edit, or brainstorm this post. All mistakes and em dashes are my own.

  1. See Always follow-up with a “thank you” email in Writing networking emails: The basic formula ↩